Newport Police: Please Don’t Call 911 If You’re Out of Toilet Paper

 In Domestic

Newport Police in Oregon have a humorous problem in reference to the COVID-19 situation: people keep calling 9-11 when they’re out of toilet paper.

Newport sits along the Oregon coast with a population of around 11,000. It’s one of several smaller cities along Highway 101. But apparently toilet paper is as scarce there as it is everywhere else.

So on Facebook Sunday morning, the Newport police posted a helpful hint for what they can do:

“It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.

In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue.

Seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in salt water. We are a coastal town. We have an abundance of salt water available. Sea shells were also used.

Mayans used corn cobs. Colonial Americans also used the core of the cob. Farmers not only used corn cobs, but used pages from the Farmers Almanac. Many Americans took advantage of the numerous pages torn from free catalogs such as Sears and Roebuck. The Sears Christmas catalog, four times thicker than the normal catalog, could get a family of three wiped clean from December through Valentine’s Day; or Saint Patrick’s Day if they were frugal.

Then, of course, there are always alternatives to toilet paper. Grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting on the holder right now. Plus, there are a variety of leaves you can safely use. Mother Earth News magazine will even tell you how to make your own wipes using fifteen different leaves. When all else fails, you have magazine pages. Start saving those catalogs you get in the mail that you usually toss into the recycle bin. Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.”

Amazon, Walmart, and Costco are working hard to get toilet paper and other essentials restocked, just in time for hoarders to arrive and snag them again. Some stores have placed limits on how many you can buy, but the shelves still seem empty.

Then there is out and out theft:

In North Carolina, according to WTHR, someone stole a semi-tractor-trailer. Guilford County deputies from a special investigation unit followed the truck to a warehouse, where they contacted the driver. The trailer held 18,000 pounds of “bathroom paper products.”

Maybe the Newport Police could ask for some of that booty to be shipped to their city in Oregon. The citizens there appear to be in severe need.

Featured photo: file


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