Animal Rights Snowflakes Hold Funerals for Frozen Turkeys in Stores

 In Breaking News

In recent days, animal rights activists held funerals in several cities for frozen turkeys whose carcasses were lying in repose at various grocery stores. The group known as Direct Action Everywhere, started in 2013 in San Francisco, carried out mock funerals in stores, chanted, and blocked customers who were just trying to shop.

The activists claim they were giving the birds the funeral they never got, because of evil humans, of course. At the various locations nationwide, “poultry bearers” carried the bodies of frozen turkeys in a procession before holding a ceremony for the birds.

Some tossed flowers over the dead turkeys as they lay in the frozen section. Others even placed frozen turkeys in makeshift coffins before holding up banners that stated “It’s not food, it’s violence.”


As most people with any common sense already knows, turkeys are always given a funeral after death – unless they wanted to be cremated, in which case they’re just smoked.

The group’s goal is for every animal everywhere to be free. Some of the antics used by the meat-haters mimic tactics used by groups like Black Lives Matter – like blocking traffic, disrupting parades, yelling in restaurants as diners eat, staging “die-ins,” and generally being annoying pains in the ass.

We’d like to give them the bird.

Animal rights activists have been protesting for many years. But these days you have to be really big assholes to get noticed. Apparently, buying the turkeys and donating them to a soup kitchen for the homeless just isn’t idealistic enough for these people.

They’ll protest until the cows come home, or until their utopia is realized (never). In the meantime, we’re assuming some of them probably attended a seance after their protests, trying to make contact with a dead cornish hen or something, to make sure that they’re keeping the spirits of frozen birds everywhere happy.

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